The Legal Pad

Coping With The Bee

    So, you're in the middle of a storm. You work for The Queen Bee. Now what? It's all about geography -- where you are right now. The way I see it, you have two choices. You can leave. You can stay.

    Let's talk about leaving. You went job hunting. You were offered a job. You accepted. You can leave. You can choose to leave gracefully, or you can make a scene. You can calmly tell your supervisor you've found another position, give two weeks notice, and leave in a dignified and lady-like manner. Or, you can tell that supervisor to "Shove it!" and slam the door on the way out.

    If  you don't have another job in the wings, and you've decided that (1) you've just about had enough, and (2) you can't take it any longer, and (3) you've made the decision to confront that viper of a supervisor -- You must use EXTREME CAUTION -- You are risking your job.

    Is it more important for her to be The Queen than it is for you to stay there? I don't know anyone who's saying out loud that they can afford to lose their job. The only people who are in that kind of situation are folks who are volunteering or those who are independently wealthy. Those folks are not reading this blog -- you are. Remember, The Queen Bee isn't stupid. She knows you can't just walk away. It's much better to hold your tongue and concentrate on making a plan to get out than being fired, isn't it?

    So, let's talk about staying. You dread going to the office. You're on guard all the time because you have no idea what's coming next. You're in the "flight or flight" mode all day long. You're on edge. You're stressed.

    Keep in mind you can only change the things you can control. If you can't control the situation -- maybe you can change your view -- your perspective. If you think about the situation in a different way -- maybe you won't be spending so much time, attention, and energy on stuff that doesn't matter. Sometimes you just cannot make things go your way -- and that's a hard lesson to learn. Yep, been there.

    In his poem entitled, "Mending Wall", Robert Frost reminds us that "...Good fences make good neighbors". Consider setting some new boundaries for yourself. There are lots of physical boundaries at our workplaces. Some examples of them are: walls, doors & cubicles. Maybe you can close your door, close your blinds, or move the furniture around in your office area so you feel more protected.

    We all know that there are boundaries between people. Someone can "invade" your territory by being too close to you physically. Try making your own space seem larger between you and your supervisor. Try sitting further away from her in her office. Try the "one up" exercise. If she's sitting at her desk and calls you into her office, instead of sitting down, try standing up. It may give you a better sense of being in control. Sometimes, just paying attention to your boundaries and changing the dynamics can help you to cope.

    Here's an unusual way to cope. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Imagine being married to your supervisor -- or being a son or daughter to her. The minute you start thinking about the other people in your supervisor's life and how they have to cope, you begin to feel sympathetic toward others. Be glad you don't have to wake up to that in the morning or return home to that in the evening. Thank your lucky stars!

    Try not to lose your sense of humor. Laughter is good for you. Go to the library and get a book of jokes or a book of funny stories. If you're a Mom, any of those old Erma Bombeck books will make you laugh. There really is a "Humor" section in the library -- look in 814-818's. Read a little bit during your break or your lunch hour. Sometimes a good laugh can do wonders.

    You don't have to be all-consumed by this person. She's all about control and you can take some of that control away. Remember, The Queen Bee (and anyone else for that matter) can't read your mind and that is comforting.

    Take a walk. Take a run. Go outside. Take a breather. Leave the area. Go to a quiet place. Go to a safe place and just yard-sit. All those things are ways to cope.

    When I am feeling particularly tense, I visit one of the nearby junk/antique stores on my lunch hour. I'm not usually on a quest for anything special -- but I'm always open to the possibility I might find a treasure each time I go. Looking at all the flea market stuff is a great distraction for me, and I feel better when I get back to work.

    Here are a couple of stories of other women who worked for or with Queen Bees and how they coped with their situations...

    A young woman worked for a nasty Queen Bee at a large law firm some years ago. The supervisor of all the secretaries had been there for many years. The supervisor could've mentored the younger legal secretaries; but instead of being inclusive, she was exclusive. Rather than raising the secretaries to a higher level, she took every opportunity to put the secretaries in their place. When I asked her how she coped with that, she told me she used the "duck-&-cover" method and "silently stewed". Some of us are better at being quiet and obedient. The secretary was patient and waited. The Bee retired.

    A friend told me an entertaining story about a woman she worked with. The woman wasn't her supervisor but she was a Queen Bee in the office. They worked side-by-side, each in a cubicle -- a short wall between them. One day my friend realized that this woman was no longer talking to her. My friend took action. Every morning when she came to work she said, "Good Morning!" to her nasty co-worker. Sometimes she got a response -- and sometimes she didn't. Other than greeting her in the morning, my friend (for the most part) ignored this woman. This went on for quite some time. She told me she heard through the grapevine that the woman went to see her doctor and got some medication. And ... after that ... the woman was a whole lot easier to work with. My friend couldn't change the situation, but she figured out how she could cope with it.

    You may not be able to eliminate The Queen Bee from your life, wait for her to retire, or suggest she see a doctor for some meds ... but maybe you can use some of these coping skills.

    I'll leave you with a couple of things to ponder -- Remember:  (1) Things change and (2) There's always more than one way to skin a cat.

The Queen Bee Syndrome

    You're returning to work from a 3-day weekend. You had a great time visiting with your friends, and you're ready to get back to work -- rested and refreshed. You walk in the door to your desk and see -- papers are strewn, files are scattered, lots of Post-It notes -- your stomach lurches.

    The light on your phone is blinking. You have one message. You pick up the phone to retrieve the message and you hear your supervisor's shrill voice. "I hope you had a good weekend, because I did not. I had to work. I'll be in later and when I get in, we can talk about what you need to work on today. I'm sure you'll have questions -- as usual."

    You sigh. You know it's going to be a long day.

    You're one of twelve clerks in a busy office. You're way down in the pecking order. The supervisor comes into the office and says in a loud voice to the group, "We need to have a staff meeting. Right now!" She marches off to the conference room and the clerks follow.

    Everyone sits down but the supervisor. She slams the door, stands in front of the room with her hands on her hips, and you can see her face is getting red. "I'm telling you right here and now that if any of you don't like what's going on here, there are ten people out there who are waiting in line for your job! There will be no further discussion. Now, get back to work!" You leave the room with the rest of the staff, and walk back to the main office -- quietly.

    Your head starts to pound. You know it's going to be a long day.

    I'm going to take a wild guess here. I think 99% of those of us who function as support staff don't need reminding of our place in the work hierarchy. We know. It's a particularly nasty pill to swallow when women who are "in charge" think they have to tell you they have the power, and you have none.

    A study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto, published in the September issue of The Journal of Health and Social Behavior, suggests that one's gender in a leadership role is associated with their subordinate's mental and physical health.

    A little tidbit in that study finds that: Women who work for a female supervisor report more distress and physical symptoms than did women who work for a male supervisor.

    Those of us who have had the "pleasure" of working for someone who suffers from The Queen Bee Syndrome already know that. That's just a validation.

    If you think you've been stung by a Queen Bee -- hang in there! Next time, we'll talk about some coping skills.

Doom, Gloom & The Power of Brooms

Have you heard about The Depression? Whether you get your news from the radio, the TV, a newspaper or online -- it's big news. So far, I've heard we're headed for a depression, we're in the early stages of a depression, we're in the middle of a depression, we're going to be in a depression, or we're already in a depression. Great. Dealing with the winter season is depressing enough. YUK. What a lousy way to begin 2009.

I'm not sure we need to buy into all that negative news so early in the New Year. We can think about something other than The Depression. Besides, if the depression is coming soon or if it's already here -- there's nothing we can do to stop it. We can't control it.

So, let's change the subject from something negative to something positive.

We have a new beginning. Get out the eraser -- clean off the board -- we have a clean slate -- twelve new months -- right in front of us! Let's see if we can figure out some things to do that can lift our spirits.

Here's an idea! We can change our work environment to make it more positive. How about some good feng shui?

Do you work under fluorescent lighting? Have you noticed you've been feeling a little fatigued? Could be the lights. Studies indicate that when people work under cool-white, fluorescent lighting they become more irritable, have more headaches, develop eyestrain, and seem more fatigued than people who work under full-spectrum lighting. Can you bring a lamp into your office area? If not, a full-spectrum light bulb might just be a small change you can make to perk up your mood.

Is your office area looking a little drab? Do you look around and feel like you're working in a dreary institution eight hours a day? Does it feel just a little emotionally sterile to you?

How about introducing a little color into your work world? Maybe your employer will let you paint the walls if you have an office. If you can't paint the walls, or if you work in a cubicle, you can bring in a little sunshine in other ways.

Think about getting a plant. Lucky Bamboo is great. You can find some inexpensive plants in the floral department at your local grocery store. You probably have an area in your cubicle or on a file cabinet where a plant would love to live.

Get some artwork. Artwork doesn't have to be expensive. You can get a couple of greeting cards with nice images, frame them in inexpensive frames and hang a couple of them on the wall. If you can't hang anything on the walls -- you may be able to find a place to put a standing framed piece. Maybe you can get some inspirational pictures, signs, quotes, or affirmations and add them to your work area.

Here's the easiest way to create good feng shui in your work environment. Get out the furniture polish, cleaning products, paper towels, and get to work. Take everything off your desk, shelves, filing cabinets, and give everything a good cleaning. Pitch the stuff you don't need. Clean up the clutter. You'll start your New Year off, literally, with a "clean slate".

Feel free to share any ideas you may have that can bring in a little sunshine and color into your work environment!