Hey kids! Gather 'round! Grab your cowboy hats, your lassos, and your six-shooters! Let's have some fun!
Today, we're going to talk about how you can offend just about everyone in your office!
We begin with the <groan> office-wide missive. Someone in your office said or did something that was offensive to somebody else. Instead of trying to work things out between them, the complainer decides everyone needs to be enlightened. They, however, must remain -- anonymous. It's a secret. After everyone receives the communique, the anonymity lasts about ten minutes. Is it just me, or does this smack of being right back in elementary school -- where the teacher decides to punish all the students because one or two did something wrong? It's silly. It's also effective. It's one of the best ways to offend everyone in the office.
Even though you had nothing to do with the situation ... you, along with everyone else, got the message. Now what do you do? Do you ignore the whole thing? Do you get irritated? Angry? Do you start to feel paranoid? Do you resent the implication that you're guilty -- just by association?
It's not difficult to offend your co-workers. Think you're immune? You may already be offending your co-workers and you just don't know it. On the other hand, maybe you do know, and you're using that offensive behavior as your weapon of choice against others. Let's see...
Here's a list of ten ways to offend just about everyone in your office -- and we'll begin with the stinky stuff...
(1) Wear heavy perfume or aftershave. Make sure you wear enough so your co-workers can smell you before they see you. Apply liberally so the scent can permeate the furniture and walls long after you're gone.
(2) Light a candle, plug in an air freshener, burn incense, buy some fragrant oil sticks in a bottle so your office mate or co-worker's eyes burn and they choke from the smell of cookie dough or pinecones in the forest.
(3) If you're a smoker, make sure you smoke near the ventilation system so the smoke wafts into the office and everyone can enjoy your second-hand smoke. Smoke outside, close to your co-worker's open windows. Smoke everywhere but in the designated area.
(4) Burn that microwave popcorn, warm up the left-over fish from last night's dinner, leave remains of fast-food onion rings you had for lunch in your trash can, and be sure to keep fruit in your cubicle or on your desk long enough so the fruit flies can have a feast.
(5) Leave your food-encrusted, dirty dishes in the breakroom sink for someone else to wash. Leave crud on the table and counters. Leave your food in the community refrigerator until it's unrecognizable or spoiled. Spoiled milk is a great choice -- anyone who opens the door -- gets to experience the gag reflex.
(6) When you're telling a great adventure story, be sure everyone within earshot is able to hear you loud and clear. Yell, holler, laugh, or cackle loudly in the office. Be sure to keep your door open when you're on the phone -- particularly when you're using the speaker phone. Project your voice!
(7) Turn the music up in your area. Everyone loves the same music as you do. Be sure to crank up the volume, so that if affects everyone in the office. Everybody... Dance... Now!
(8) Don't shower or bathe. Don't comb your hair. Don't wear clean clothes. Be sure to wear that strappy little see-through number with those ratty, ripped jeans on casual days -- or the tie with those gravy stains that have been there awhile.
(9) Share your internet jokes and internet hoaxes with your co-workers. Everyone appreciates those ethnic-leaning jokes. Don't forget to add "LOL" at the end of your email so everyone knows how truly funny it is. Your recipients are especially pleased when they receive religious warnings or blessings that advise bad things will happen to them if they don't forward that email on to others. Don't forget to add a motivational quote written by someone famous under your email signature block. Your co-workers will be impressed that you've made it your very own.
(10) Decorate your area -- your cubicle, the desk you share, the bookcases, file cabinets in common areas, your own office -- with items that have obvious religious tones. You can make your own shrine or tabernacle. Share your religious beliefs with everyone. While you're at it, seriously consider foisting your far-right or far-left political opinions onto your co-workers too. Decorate your area with that special stuffed toy collection. How cute! Fill up that cubicle -- the more the merrier. And...your office area isn't complete until you post a "thoughtful" sign that will motivate others.
Well cowboys and cowgirls -- there you have it -- ten items guaranteed to knock you right off that high horse you've been riding. If you've read the list and found nothing in there that applies to you -- you get a gold star and The Ricochet Award!
Here's a darn good question for you to ponder: How do we maintain professionalism, observe basic business etiquette, and have civility in the workplace -- but still feel like we have some freedom at our workplace to be ourselves?
Jump right in, buckaroos! We'd love to hear what you're thinking...
Oh...one more thing...I almost forgot. It certainly isn't my intention to cause you any distress by writing this article, but if so...I truly apologize if you're offended.
